Well i'v been off the scene for a while and lots have happened! The first two weeks of school, being with my friends again, meeting my new lecturers, starting my first assignments! so much to do such little time!!! But the most important thing i think is the fact that i realized that I am doing really good in being the best me i can be! I am going out into the world! When i made the decision to get out there i didn't think it was possible! Even if things are going slow and I am taking things step by step at least the most important thing is that im actually trying!
Also, everything seems to be harder! i don't know where i should rate my classes! i mean the only class i'm fully on board with is literature and iv always loved the course but the rest are proving to be very different from what i expected! i mean i hope i'm not starting the semester with a bad attitude but i will know soon enough! Home is as bad as it has always been with insults and arguments reigning supreme! sometimes i never know where i stand with all this! i don't know who to support or who to lean on really! have you ever gotten the feeling that you just want to scream, let go of everything you held inside and just storm out and never come back!!!! i guess running away from your problems isn't enough!
I was wondering, do i have daddy issues!????? i mean sometimes i cant stand the sight of him! i hate how he favors his kids! i can't stand the way he finds his way around wat u ask him!!! i hate the way he pressures me to be something and never compliments me for the hard effort i put into making him happy!!! then again why should i make my life about making him happy when i am miserable as hell! such is life! we think that it will help us when we make other people love us but the first step is when we love ourselves first! who am i to say anything when i haven't learnt to love myself enough to not care about what my dad thinks about me!!!! well i guess that should be another aim in life!
well thats just LIFE AS WE KNOW IT!!!!
Friday, January 21, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Just the same old disappointment!
You know just when i think i have done something that deserves congratulations, i get sucker punched in the stomach! Every time! I thought i understood my dad always hard on me, wanting only the best and when i come 2 inches short of that, i'm not good enough! But noooo! my sister has to have the easier way out because she is the favourite one! it doesn't matter if she does something wrong, it doesn't matter if i look better than her, or if i work harder than her, she always gets the "special treatment"!!! i can't stand it! I'm tired of always being the good girl who never gets any thanks! I mean even a simple "thank you for your efforts" has never come my way! Sometimes i start to think that nothing i do will ever be good enough and then i see another opportunity to "redeem" myself and in the end i still see the same old disappointment! I don't think he realizes what this does to me! At least i hope he doesn't realize it!
At times i just want to give up! Live my life the way i want to live it but something inside me cannot! I waste everyday trying to make him happy just scrapping the floor for any sign of acknowledgment or gratification! I hold on to the few thank yous he throws me like my life depended on them! To come to think of it, my life does depend on them! Are my friends right? Do i have daddy issues?? There are days i loathe him for being so harsh! For letting them throw my mother out, for being such an unforgiving man! I loathe him for not trying to help my poor mother! Why did her marry in the first place? Was he not in love with her? If he loved her so much, would he be able to treat her like this even after years apart? I mean once you fall in love with someone part of them has to stay with you no matter what has happened in the past! Sometimes i think that he sees so much of my mother in me that he just help himself! He naturally treats me like an outcast, a non-member! I have tried to be the best i can just to make him happy! At this point , i don't if i should throw everything away and just do whatever i want or to continue worshiping and idolizing a man that can never give me the same love that he gives my other siblings! I guess this is my fate and i should just live with it you know? There is no other way around it! Though i do love my father, i have harbored a lot of hate and resentment towards him over the years for a lot of things that i just can't explain! Maybe i remind him of my mother so much that he cant bear the sight of me! Maybe he beat me up so much when i was a child that i am completely scared of him!
I need to get rid of all this emotional baggage and get in touch with the person i really am! Forgive and forget i guess but right now i don't think that is possible! i will make a point of discussing this with the school psychiatrist and see how this goes! but until then i am going to continue being the daughter that is always there and he never cares about! Don't get me wrong he has always had my financial needs covered but who wants money when you live in a house that hardly cares for you and what you think! Oddly enough the only person who gives me the love and respect i deserve is my step mother! I underestimated her in the beginning but she is the best thing that has happened to me since my mother left and i owe most of the strength i get to wake up in the morning to her and her three beautiful children! Then again thats just how life goes the people who are supposed to love you don't and the people who aren't supposed to love you are the only reason why you are still alive today!
thats just LIFE AS WE KNOW IT!
At times i just want to give up! Live my life the way i want to live it but something inside me cannot! I waste everyday trying to make him happy just scrapping the floor for any sign of acknowledgment or gratification! I hold on to the few thank yous he throws me like my life depended on them! To come to think of it, my life does depend on them! Are my friends right? Do i have daddy issues?? There are days i loathe him for being so harsh! For letting them throw my mother out, for being such an unforgiving man! I loathe him for not trying to help my poor mother! Why did her marry in the first place? Was he not in love with her? If he loved her so much, would he be able to treat her like this even after years apart? I mean once you fall in love with someone part of them has to stay with you no matter what has happened in the past! Sometimes i think that he sees so much of my mother in me that he just help himself! He naturally treats me like an outcast, a non-member! I have tried to be the best i can just to make him happy! At this point , i don't if i should throw everything away and just do whatever i want or to continue worshiping and idolizing a man that can never give me the same love that he gives my other siblings! I guess this is my fate and i should just live with it you know? There is no other way around it! Though i do love my father, i have harbored a lot of hate and resentment towards him over the years for a lot of things that i just can't explain! Maybe i remind him of my mother so much that he cant bear the sight of me! Maybe he beat me up so much when i was a child that i am completely scared of him!
I need to get rid of all this emotional baggage and get in touch with the person i really am! Forgive and forget i guess but right now i don't think that is possible! i will make a point of discussing this with the school psychiatrist and see how this goes! but until then i am going to continue being the daughter that is always there and he never cares about! Don't get me wrong he has always had my financial needs covered but who wants money when you live in a house that hardly cares for you and what you think! Oddly enough the only person who gives me the love and respect i deserve is my step mother! I underestimated her in the beginning but she is the best thing that has happened to me since my mother left and i owe most of the strength i get to wake up in the morning to her and her three beautiful children! Then again thats just how life goes the people who are supposed to love you don't and the people who aren't supposed to love you are the only reason why you are still alive today!
thats just LIFE AS WE KNOW IT!
Love sweet Love!!!!
There are always the "sobby" days when you watch a romance movie and you get to thinking "will i ever find that kind of love?" "is it just in hollywoodville or does it actually exist?" "is there actually such a man in the world?" i mean the list of questions is endless! I like to think that i believe in true love, finding that one special person who will turn your whole world around and make you whole! a shoulder to cry on, a person to share all your experiences with, a person who knows everything about you in the most intimate of ways, a person who makes you laugh without trying, makes you feel beautiful, a person who makes you feel like you are enough and even if Gissele Bunchen came his way he would still have the ability to look at you and ignore her!
The more i think about it, the more it seems like this kind of man just does not exist! i mean how many men can ignore Gissele and look at an ordinary woman the same way???? But do i choose to believe that this kind of man does not exist? No! I choose to believe that he exist, in my heart, in my dreams, in my head! He may not be physical but he is there! I know i sound crazy and that is probably why i don't have a real relationship but i would rather my imaginary boyfriend rather than the real live sucker who will sooner or later end up crashing my heart and tearing it to pieces! Deep down i believe that i will find him, i will hold him, care for him, kiss him, hug him because he does exist and he will come to me!
Love is special. you know i learnt the hard way that not everything in the world that matters can be counted! Love is just one of those things! it's irreplaceable, it's beautiful, it's sweet and it's the purest thing that human beings have to share and thats saying something considering the world we live in today! Even if most of us don't believe it exists, i think we should embrace it and let it in because with love the world is different and without it, the world does not make sense!
And that is LIFE AS WE KNOW IT!
The more i think about it, the more it seems like this kind of man just does not exist! i mean how many men can ignore Gissele and look at an ordinary woman the same way???? But do i choose to believe that this kind of man does not exist? No! I choose to believe that he exist, in my heart, in my dreams, in my head! He may not be physical but he is there! I know i sound crazy and that is probably why i don't have a real relationship but i would rather my imaginary boyfriend rather than the real live sucker who will sooner or later end up crashing my heart and tearing it to pieces! Deep down i believe that i will find him, i will hold him, care for him, kiss him, hug him because he does exist and he will come to me!
Love is special. you know i learnt the hard way that not everything in the world that matters can be counted! Love is just one of those things! it's irreplaceable, it's beautiful, it's sweet and it's the purest thing that human beings have to share and thats saying something considering the world we live in today! Even if most of us don't believe it exists, i think we should embrace it and let it in because with love the world is different and without it, the world does not make sense!
And that is LIFE AS WE KNOW IT!
Moody Day!!!!
Have you ever had one of those days when you are moody as hell and really angry at the world and you just don't know why?? Well today is one if those days for me! I just woke up and felt like everything was wrong today! I always wonder why because last night i slept in the best mood possible and i just woke in the worst mood and i just can't explain it! everything irritates me from the taste of my breakfast, which usually doubles up as lunch because i wake up so late, all the way to the noisy shrieks of my baby brother and sister! i hate being like this, the risk of me getting in a fight with someone i care about are really high and i don't like the odds against me! Then again i am a woman and i'm very environmentally sensitive! i get irritated by the smallest things but at the same time i have the patience and care to take care of some things. have you ever wondered how your mum does it? I do, almost everyday! I can only imagine how somedays they just don't feel like going through the "schedule" but they do it anyway!
Sometimes i don't think i can do it! I love children but i don't see myself dropping everything i worked so hard to build and just raise a child! Go through the painfully boring day to day schedule that always starts with me running around and ends with me still running around! Cleaning things after them, washing them, running after them, feeding them, putting them to sleep! I love kids don't get me wrong but i just don't know if i have the strength to leave everything and dedicate my life to them! Maybe in the future i will be more mature and prepared but for now, the most i can do is continue babysitting for my mother and hope to God that i will be a good mother in future!
And thats just LIFE AS WE KNOW IT!
Sometimes i don't think i can do it! I love children but i don't see myself dropping everything i worked so hard to build and just raise a child! Go through the painfully boring day to day schedule that always starts with me running around and ends with me still running around! Cleaning things after them, washing them, running after them, feeding them, putting them to sleep! I love kids don't get me wrong but i just don't know if i have the strength to leave everything and dedicate my life to them! Maybe in the future i will be more mature and prepared but for now, the most i can do is continue babysitting for my mother and hope to God that i will be a good mother in future!
And thats just LIFE AS WE KNOW IT!
Monday, January 3, 2011
The Powers of BOREDOM!
Mondays have always been that kind of day for me! you know the moods and getting irritated by everything. Well i'm home alone today and its boring like hell! but the peace and quiet when the children are gone helps me think about things. i was just watching one of those "sorority" flicks and it got me thinking shouldn't we be able to choose who we want to be? i mean i know how society tries to define us and who we are, what we wear, what we should look like, but should we let them control everything about us? life is too short to waste your time trying to make others happy while you are miserable as hell!
For women, it's torturing yourself by wearing the highest and thinnest heel you can find and wearing the skimpiest skirt around all in the name of looking "sexy" but is that who you want to be? there are days when every woman wants to walk out of the house without make-up on and with sweatpants and a t-shirt because we just don't feel like looking "the part" but do we? no instead we would rather walk out of the house in the most uncomfortably tight top that shows a bit too much cleavage and ridiculously painful shoes and completely going against what we want to do and doing what is supposed to be done! i see lots of women who criticize the women who pay no attention to their beauty and walk around without a care of the world but in real sense, deep down inside, these women are jealous of the carefree women and wish they had the courage to go against all of societies rules and do what they want!
i have to admit at times, most of the time, i'm a victim of society and so are millions of other teenagers out there! i have also been on the carefree end but trust me, most of the time it was not because i didnt want to look sexy or beautiful, it was because i couldnt look sexy and beautiful! sometimes i just gave up! i hate going shopping for clothes because nothing i liked ever fit me or it revealed too much! so many times i had to resort to the baggiest and biggest top in the shop to just get something that covers everything. shopping was not fun it was a necessity just to get the basics! still in my head i convinced myself that i was better than those slim and sexy girls. i convinced myself that i could wear and do whatever i want to do without a care in the world but i was wrong. deep down inside i wanted to be them; beautiful, slim, popular and all the things society forces on us! in the end no one is ever satisfied! the ones with the popularity want to be invisible and the invisible ones want to be popular! its the circle of life! society doesn't make the rules, we do and it's time we made the right rules!
that's just "LIFE AS WE KNOW IT!"
For women, it's torturing yourself by wearing the highest and thinnest heel you can find and wearing the skimpiest skirt around all in the name of looking "sexy" but is that who you want to be? there are days when every woman wants to walk out of the house without make-up on and with sweatpants and a t-shirt because we just don't feel like looking "the part" but do we? no instead we would rather walk out of the house in the most uncomfortably tight top that shows a bit too much cleavage and ridiculously painful shoes and completely going against what we want to do and doing what is supposed to be done! i see lots of women who criticize the women who pay no attention to their beauty and walk around without a care of the world but in real sense, deep down inside, these women are jealous of the carefree women and wish they had the courage to go against all of societies rules and do what they want!
i have to admit at times, most of the time, i'm a victim of society and so are millions of other teenagers out there! i have also been on the carefree end but trust me, most of the time it was not because i didnt want to look sexy or beautiful, it was because i couldnt look sexy and beautiful! sometimes i just gave up! i hate going shopping for clothes because nothing i liked ever fit me or it revealed too much! so many times i had to resort to the baggiest and biggest top in the shop to just get something that covers everything. shopping was not fun it was a necessity just to get the basics! still in my head i convinced myself that i was better than those slim and sexy girls. i convinced myself that i could wear and do whatever i want to do without a care in the world but i was wrong. deep down inside i wanted to be them; beautiful, slim, popular and all the things society forces on us! in the end no one is ever satisfied! the ones with the popularity want to be invisible and the invisible ones want to be popular! its the circle of life! society doesn't make the rules, we do and it's time we made the right rules!
that's just "LIFE AS WE KNOW IT!"
Sunday, January 2, 2011
New year, new things!
Well its a new year and as usual everybody has their own theories about how things are going to work out and plans on what to do and when to do them but does everything really work as planned? i mean with the millions of people around the world on december 31st every year who plan their next steps word for word in an absurd resolution and tucking their days neatly into plans and figures that make so much sense in the beginning and ni sense at all in the end! i believe in fate and destiny! things dont happen because we plan them, they happen because they are meant to be! if your "plan" works out for you, i believe its because it's supposed to work, it was destined to work out!
Today i watched this beautiful romance movie and i was breathtaken! it wasnt the usual "boy-meets-girl" kinda thing it was just random thoughts and feelings that just kept me guessing what was going to happen next! anyway in the end a random old man told the lead actress that "destiny is the bridge you build to your love," and it kinda grew on me! nothing is ever certain! it takes a gut feeling to know what feels right and the same gut feeling to make some of the biggest mistakes in your life!
So i say LET GO!!!! live life and let things come naturally! having plans just makes life "arranged" and dull! the trick to never regreting your decisions is not making them at all! let them sort themselves out and life will seem as if it flowed in the wind and floated in the sea! i usually dont follow my own advice but this year its going to be different! im going to be free and adventurous! im going to actually have a life and thats the best decision i have ever made in my entire life!!!!! i hope to blog more and share all my fake wisdom and keep in touch with th me im too afraid to show the world! =)
Today i watched this beautiful romance movie and i was breathtaken! it wasnt the usual "boy-meets-girl" kinda thing it was just random thoughts and feelings that just kept me guessing what was going to happen next! anyway in the end a random old man told the lead actress that "destiny is the bridge you build to your love," and it kinda grew on me! nothing is ever certain! it takes a gut feeling to know what feels right and the same gut feeling to make some of the biggest mistakes in your life!
So i say LET GO!!!! live life and let things come naturally! having plans just makes life "arranged" and dull! the trick to never regreting your decisions is not making them at all! let them sort themselves out and life will seem as if it flowed in the wind and floated in the sea! i usually dont follow my own advice but this year its going to be different! im going to be free and adventurous! im going to actually have a life and thats the best decision i have ever made in my entire life!!!!! i hope to blog more and share all my fake wisdom and keep in touch with th me im too afraid to show the world! =)
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