Just the same old disappointment!

          You know just when i think i have done something that deserves congratulations, i get sucker punched in the stomach! Every time! I thought i understood my dad always hard on me, wanting only the best and when i come 2 inches short of that, i'm not good enough! But noooo! my sister has to have the easier way out because she is the favourite one! it doesn't matter if she does something wrong, it doesn't matter if i look better than her, or if i work harder than her, she always gets the "special treatment"!!! i can't stand it! I'm tired of always being the good girl who never gets any thanks! I mean even a simple "thank you for your efforts" has never come my way! Sometimes i start to think that nothing i do will ever be good enough and then i see another opportunity to "redeem" myself and in the end i still see the same old disappointment! I don't think he realizes what this does to me! At least i hope he doesn't realize it!
           At times i just want to give up! Live my life the way i want to live it but something inside me cannot! I waste everyday trying to make him happy just scrapping the floor for any sign of acknowledgment or gratification! I hold on to the few thank yous he throws me like my life depended on them! To come to think of it, my life does depend on them! Are my friends right? Do i have daddy issues?? There are days i loathe him for being so harsh! For letting them throw my mother out, for being such an unforgiving man! I loathe him for not trying to help my poor mother! Why did her marry in the first place? Was he not in love with her? If he loved her so much, would he be able to treat her like this even after years apart? I mean once you fall in love with someone part of them has to stay with you no matter what has happened in the past! Sometimes i think that he sees so much of my mother in me that he just help himself! He naturally treats me like an outcast, a non-member! I have tried to be the best i can just to make him happy! At this point , i don't if i should throw everything away and just do whatever i want or to continue worshiping and idolizing a man that can never give me the same love that he gives my other siblings! I guess this is my fate and i should just live with it you know? There is no other way around it! Though i do love my father, i have harbored a lot of hate and resentment towards him over the years for a lot of things that i just can't explain! Maybe i remind him of my mother so much that he cant bear the sight of me! Maybe he beat me up so much when i was a child that i am completely scared of him!
          I need to get rid of all this emotional baggage and get in touch with the person i really am! Forgive and forget i guess but right now i don't think that is possible! i will make a point of discussing this with the school psychiatrist and see how this goes! but until then i am going to continue being the daughter that is always there and he never cares about! Don't get me wrong he has always had my financial needs covered but who wants money when you live in a house that hardly cares for you and what you think! Oddly enough the only person who gives me the love and respect i deserve is my step mother! I underestimated her in the beginning but she is the best thing that has happened to me since my mother left and i owe most of the strength i get to wake up in the morning to her and her three beautiful children! Then again thats just how life goes the people who are supposed to love you don't and the people who aren't supposed to love you are the only reason why you are still alive today!
         thats just LIFE AS WE KNOW IT!