Do you ever ask yourself why certain things happen in life? I mean actually sitting down and pondering for hours and hours on what has already happened to you and what you plan on doing for what is happening right now! Lately i have been finding myself in this situation more than usual! I don't want to be at war with my family and frankly i find all this very immature! What will any of us gain if we decide not to ever talk to each other!? It hurts me to bits being the one who started all this but was i to stand there and see all my efforts gone to waste? All my hard work, all my energy, all the things i have done to make this one person happy? I know that when you do something it is supposed to be for you but everything i have done so far has been to make him happy to at least reassure him that even if he has problems in th outside world i am here to help him with everything else. keep the fort down and make sure everything is okay! I have had no problem with helping around and staying around but what bothers me is the fact that i will do all these things and my efforts will still not be realized!
But then again maybe he sees it as a responsibility for me to do all the things i so willingly do out of love and sometimes fear but i do them anyway without giving any conditions. I know i'm supposed to say sorry but this will mean that it is okay for him to take me for granted! Maybe i'm afraid that if i forgive i will have nothing left to hold against him anymore after i have held a grudge against him all these years it has become part of me! I just don't know how to forgive him! I thought he changed and actually cared about what happens to me but i guess i was wrong! All he cares about is looking good in front of his friends! He doesn't care about how hard i work and that is what i am going to stick to! I'm going to hold my ground until such a time when i think I'm ready to face him and tell him everything i feel!
and thats just LIFE AS I KNOW IT!
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